Aliyah Marr: Having to Believe

I am an emotional being. I wish I could live rationally, and with little emotion, but this is not in my nature.

I find it difficult to accept this fact, but it is obvious to me now that resistance to my own reality is one of the ways that I sabotage myself.

Recently, I went through an emotional trauma; it was totally self-induced; brought about by a belief system that I cannot seem to dump. So I decided that the only way to go around it is to go through it.

I spent about 8 hours today in solid meditation about my beliefs. Since I was seriously depressed, the beliefs that came to the fore were all the "negative" ones that have been holding me back for years. Things about abundance, love, security; all the major issues.

I decided that since affirmations have never seemed to even dent a long-held belief, I was going to try the opposite track: instead of trying to replace a "negative" thought with a "positive" one, I would probe the depths of the beliefs that I have, one-by-one. Since these beliefs form the core of my reality, the only thing to do is to accept them first as my reality. No matter how painful it is, I now believe that it is important to truly know what it is that you subconsciously believe, and to accept it. I was looking to do nothing more than that: voice what is reality for me, accept it totally as real no matter how painful that thought, surrender to it, and release it.

So, say the belief was that no one supports or loves me. I would first say this belief out loud, feel it deeply as the reality it is, respecting the emotion that accompanies the thought, and the being that is hurt by that thought; then saying that I let it go, and release it with an exhalation. I realize that it is important to respect one's own feelings, no matter how petty or dramatic; it is then that one is able to find a little distance and perspective on one's self, and the thoughts that make up our reality.

Although this process was very painful. I found that I can finally see that in order to even have a chance at having a new reality, I have to first accept the one I have, surrender to it, own it, and respect the person (my current and old self) who brought me to this place. Only then can I release the thought and emotions that engenders the reality. Only then can I have a hope of changing what is, into what I want to be.

Sedona Journal
April 2004

Inner Realm Magazine April 2004

Aliyah Marr is a multimedia artist, interactive designer, published author, teacher, transformative coach, personal trainer, and motivational speaker. She is the author / artist of the Transformational Tarot.

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